I thought Ground Hogs Day was in February but I seem to stand corrected, it is now Feb. thru April. Does it seem to you that every time I enter a blog my title has delayed in it somewhere? I know Gods timing is perfect but it is also frustrating. We do not get to finish out this Interim Phase I as charted for Tuesday, April 14. Her ANC is 500 and her Platelets are 36K. We are rescheduling and trying for this Fri., labs will be drawn this Thursday at Liberty.
I have to say I am very frustrated; not with the delays but with my daughter. Please pray for patience and understanding on my part as to what she is feeling. I believe she is going through a bit of resentment and I get the brunt of it. I can't say I blame her nor that I was not expecting this resentment to hit at some point, she is after all a 14 year old. Please don't get me wrong, she is a beautiful, loving, faithful person but is only human and is beginning to resent the restrictions that I must impose on her due to her Leukemia.
Elizabeth has felt well for the past two and a half months compared to the first four months and I think sometimes she forgets she is still in the same battle for her life.
Cancer is an ugly and daunting diagnosis to receive. In one phase you feel like you are not going to make it and the next phase you forget that you have cancer, then the walls come crashing down and reality hits again as to what you are fighting against.
Not only does Liz need your prayers, but I need your prayers. It is becoming extremely hard to see her go through all of this and it is getting harder for me, the messenger, to get shot every time she does not like the message I have to give her. I know I sound weak and in truth I am feeling very weak and inadequate for this job God has entrusted me to do. I grow weary and weak just like Liz does. It is safe to say I think I have hit a "mental rough patch." I am going to selfishly ask you to pray for peace, patience, compassion, and empathy for the situation I find myself in. I need prayers for strength when I have to tell my daughter "no" on something and she cries and says things that add more guilt onto me. I know she does not do this intentionally and would never want to hurt me. I know she is frustrated, sad, scared, and lonely, just like I am. Please pray for the both of us.
God is the ultimate answer and ultimate healer. We just need people to pray for us when we are weak and scared.
Please continue to pray for the parents and children on A5 South. Some do not have a faith and if it gets this hard for me and I do have a strong faith, what must they be going through?
Pray for Liz and myself to stay strong and fight the good fight.
Pray that we always remember who is in charge of our life and be able to leave our fears at the foot of the cross.
Pray for minimal side effects.
Pray for the wonderful Doctors and nurses that take such good care of her.
Peace and blessings to all of you,
Christine
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11 comments:
Christine-I sit here this evening reading your blog just wanting to reach out and give you a big hug. This disease has not only been inflicted on Liz, but on all of you, every day! How difficult it is for us as parents to say no to our children, but I can not imagine the difficulty you must be going through when you have to tell Liz no, especially as you deliver difficult news for not only you to handle, but difficult news for a 14 year old to handle when all she wants to do is be "normal" again!
Please know that I will continue to pray for Liz and her recovery, but also for you and your serenity.Below is one of my favorite prayers to pray when things are completely out of my control.
Traci Etherington
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
I agree with Traci that the Serenity Prayer is a comforting one. Building off of that, go online and listen to LeAnn Rimes' song "What I Cannot Change." It has a beautiful message and a chorus that builds from "I will learn to let go what I cannot change" to ... "I will learn to LOVE what I cannot change" ... to "I will change whatever I can." You Lothrop women are changing so much for the families at Children's. By living with what you cannot change, you have offered yourselves as a little bit of sunshine to so many families at Children's. Your sense of humor, your upbeat personalities and your genuine compassion -- all of it is working to touch lives. And Liz, I know you are the only thing sometimes that keeps Critter and his posse sane. It's okay to bathe a bit in the bad days like the one you're having today. It is only through your down times that you can truly come to terms with the things you cannot change and the things you can and enjoy a fuller life in doing so. I know the families at Children's are thankful for the little bit of "change" you are providing in their lives. Who says that elevators are just for getting from one floor to another! This too shall pass. Tomorrow is a new day. You can only guess at what treasures lie ahead. I have faith in both of you that you will stay strong. Just close your eyes, listen to LeAnn's song and feel the support and love of all your blog followers.
Thinking of you always,
Cindy (Mrs. D.)
Liz has a wonderful mom.--Mitch
Hang in there girls! You'll make it through this! We're praying for you every day.
Christine - The good thing is Liz is behaving like a 14 year old girl! I can't tell you how many times I made my mom cry in middle school (and I wasn't even going through something like this)! You're doing a great job with what God has entrusted to you. It's a fine line you guys have to walk and you're doing it like a champion tightrope walker.
Liz - I know it's hard, but try to give your mom a break. She only wants what's best for you and she's stuck with the job of enforcing that. However, for a 14 year old going through this, you are doing an absolutely fantastic job! I would have never thought you'd be doing so well. I can't wait to come do homework with you again soon. Maybe a little sushi can be arranged when the counts come up.
Keep it up!
G
Hi Christine....I read your entry last night right after you posted and I actually couldn't put any words down for you. I wake up today with words likely not as full as wisdom as Cindy and Traci - good stuff, ladies. By the way...quick side note. I love how your blog brings people together. I taught with Traci about 14 years ago and run into her once a year, but here we are together! I don't know Cindy well, but do know her from LEAP this year, and we connect here regularly! Thank you, Christine!
Anyway, as I thought over how you are feeling, it brought me back to when the twins were babies. Now, I'm in no way comparing the situations, but I did feel overwhelmed with premie twins and one with colic crying 24 hours a day and nothing I did helped. I remember thinking here are these precious babies I had such a hard time conceiving and carrying, who I desired in the depths of my soul, and now they are still so hard. When it was pushing me to my limits, I found a moment for a "Mommy Time Out". I hope you can find a Mommy Time Out today and tomorrow and each day. You need to rejuvenate yourself as well as take the time to feel bad. For me, I went to our bedroom, shut the door, put on music loud enough to drown out outside noises, drank a glass of wine, took a bath. I was better for everyone after that.
Lately, I've been listening to "Glory Revealed" which speaks the truth of scripture in song - check your email! :)
Many, many prayers for both of you today. It's a NEW DAY!
Blessings, Lisa
Without even knowing you guys (accept for Mr. Lothrop being my math teacher all those years ago) I continue to follow your blog because there is something very special about all of you. You give us all hope when it comes to the struggles in life that we face and also helps to renew our faith in God when we feel like we have hit rock bottom. I have had quite a few of my own personal struggles over the past few years that I still have a hard time understanding. It is through my faith that I trust that I can rise to the challenge no matter how difficult it may seems and this is also what the Lothrop's are all about. Its hard to read about what Liz is going through because as a Mom I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to see your child struggle with this illness. Do know that you are thought about on a daily basis and you have so much support.
Your family is always in our prayers.
Christine, Not long ago Pete came home to very distraught children telling him, "Mommy spoke firmly to us today..." Pete looked at me, and then at them, and mentioned that I may want to spend the rest of the evening in my room! Well, ok then - you don't have to tell me twice! Christine, along with these ladies who have encouraged you, I want to encourage you in SELF CARE!!!!! Your world can be unpredictable, and scary, and peaceful, and hard, and encouraging, and terifying, and hopeful. You are ok, and Liz is ok. You all are in a season of emotional exhaustion. You will feel better, and so will Lizzy, but right now...it might seem like you can't even catch your breath, or it might feel like if you start crying (Or screaming, or eating chocolate...etc...) you might never stop. Hey girlfriend...maybe it's time you "Go to your room!" Ahhh.....your room. Can you say nap, read, cry, a movie? Self Care? You go girl! We love you and your wonderful family! Deb
Hang in there Christine. You are a wonderful mother and I know how hard it is to say no but just remember, better safe than sorry. That's what I tell Leah every time and I know it's such a cliche but it's the truth in our situation especially. I will pray for both of you.
Dear Lothrops:
I haven't had the chance to meet you all personally (we've been attending Wellspring for a little over a year now) but I want you to know that I read this blog several times and week and continue to pray for you all. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you all, and as a mom myself, I completely understand your feelings in this post. It's hard to feel weak when as a mother you want so much to be the anchor for your children. Just wanted to send our love and prayers and let you know that even people you don't know are on your side.
In His Love,
Molly Detweiler
Hi Christine,
Wow... Don't take this wrong, but it's nice to know that you're human too...
There is nothing more difficult for a parent than watching your child suffer... and being in fear for their life. I remember when I was 16 and had been in the hospital for two weeks, in isolation, deathly ill, and the doctors had no idea what was wrong... anyway, my 104 degree fever broke finally and I got to go home... I was lying on the couch and my mom brought me orange juice. I hated juice. I refused to drink it - and I'm certain that I wasn't nice about telling her I didn't want to drink it - then she broke - "Dammit Annette (she never swore) - I almost lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again! Now drink your juice!"... then she broke down. I never understood her outburst until I became a parent. Like yourself, she was the most patient, understanding, loving and giving mother. But when faced with the mortality that I could not see, she had no choice but to lose it.
All this meaningless dribble to say, you are an awesome mom Christine. Remember, God chose you to be her mother. You know best.
Looking back on that day of the "juice", I realize that I needed to hear her fear, her pain and her worry. As kids, we truly think we're invincible and therefore don't take things seriously. I'm not saying that Lizzy isn't bright and a great kid... she is, but I doubt that there are any kids her age that can truly grasp the brevity of her situation.
Hang in there. You WILL be in my prayers. Know that it's ok to be human and to struggle. As Traci said, cancer doesn't just effect the patient, but the entire family.
Take care of yourself and as always, if there is anything at all I can do, don't hesitate to contact me.
Love and prayers,
Annette
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